True Life: Nashville Edition

It is 9 pm on a Tuesday night. D$ and I are perusing old John Prine videos. You know, like you do.

MWK: Wait, that's what Steve Goodman looks like? He looks like such a goober!

D$: What you are looking at -that right there - is exactly what it is like to grow up in Nashville. It is an endless supply of people who look like goobers who are incredible fucking musicians.

So. Now you know.

Convos at Our House: Snow Day edition

MWK: So is it still actively snowing?

D$: What? What would passively snowing look like?

MWK (sighing): What I want to know is: is there snow falling from the sky?

D$: I don't know where else snow would fall from.

pause

MWK (growling): I'm gonna make snow fall from somewhere else.

D$: How?

MWK: Violently.

Don't call me

It turns out that I am total shit in emergencies.

Well, to be fair, I did cling to Fester like a boss when he emerged from his carrier screaming and covered in piss.  Despite the fact that I was wearing a very loved shirt and scarf (how fucking dumb was that) I clung to that pee-covered squaller like he was the greased up boy-gnome from The Gnome-mobile.* So that was pretty good.

But as the cat squirmed his pissy fur into my clothing, panic struck.

OH MY FUCKING GOD WE JUST GOT HIM HOME AND HE PEED ON THE CAST. HE PEED ON THE CAST AND WE HAVE TO GET BACK IN THE CAR AND DRIVE FOR AN HOUR AND PAY ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO HAVE THIS CAST FUCKING SAWED OFF AND ANOTHER CAST PUT ON.  AND THEN HE WILL JUST FUCKING PEE ON IT AGAIN GAHHHHHHH.

By some miracle of Aslan he didn't pee on the cast. Very much.

He did, however stomp around the room** on the very leg he was not supposed to using at all. It went a little something like this:

Fester: wwaaaaaaaSTOMPwaaaaa

MWK (voice quivering, trying to stay calm): Stop it!

Fester: waaaaaSTOMPwaaaaa

MWK (louder): Stop!!!

Fester: Waa STOMP STOMP STOMP

MWK (wailing): Stop! Stop! D, MAKE HIM STOP!!

Twenty minutes later I was sitting in the corner sobbing about how this was never gonna work while D tried to actually, you know, get the cat to calm down and stop being covered in pee.

I'm not really sure what happened after that. I think it involved be being given an errand to run for a long time.

So, um, don't call me in case of emergency unless you really really need someone who will freak out and give up hope at the slightest problem.


*If you get this reference I will love you FOREVER. Also, sorry for getting the song stuck in your head.
**Our guest room that I had just gotten set up, complete with adorable guidebooks, and then had to clean out entirely. For the cat. For eight goddamn weeks.

Still got it!

Not even a debilitating cast can stop this one-legged poop machine. 

Yes, his cast leg is up on the side of the box.

In the clink

The crime: unauthorized base jumping

The time: 8 weeks

Uncle Fester is home with us. His hind leg is still intact and wrapped in a hefty cast. I wouldn't say he's happy, but he's already asking for head rubs. 

Thanks are due to you and the powers of internet kitties everywhere. 

Kitten emergency (not the good kind)

Uncle Fester helping D$ with a little plumbing problem we had earlier this week

Uncle Fester is at a kitty hospital right now. 

We're not sure what happened. We think he tried to jump onto the ledge by our stairs*, missed, and ended up throwing himself down a half story onto the wooden steps.** 

That isn't what we thought at first. Last night we came home to a cat that was favoring his hind leg and bleeding a little. It was 1 a.m. He wasn't crying, he came downstairs to greet us and he was moving pretty well so after frantically googling pet hospitals we decided it would be best to clean his leg up and go to the vet in the morning. I thought he'd scraped his leg on something or got his toe caught in the (motherfucking) curtains I'd been hemming all day. 

At noon we found out he'd ruptured the kitty version of his Achilles tendon. 

8 hours and another hospital later*** we were told our options.

If we're lucky the tendon can be sutured and Uncle Fester will spend 6-8 weeks looking adorable in a cast. 

If we're not lucky (and it's looking like we aren't lucky) Uncle Fester will spend the rest of his life looking adorable while missing a hind leg. 

And so, Internet, I beseech you:  may all the adorable powers of all the kitten videos in all of the world please combine to be with Uncle Fester tomorrow. And also with D$, who is completely and utterly wrecked. And, maybe, also with me, who is trying very very hard not to be wrecked. 

*Yes, in our new house. We've moved. I'm not feeling particularly thrilled about it at the moment, for obvious reasons. 

**Jesus, picturing this makes me want to die. But I can't stop picturing it. 

**Word to the wise: try not to let your animals injure themselves on a holiday week. Our veterinarian was wonderful about calling around but the only surgeon in town couldn't examine Fester until after 7 pm so we just had to leave him at the animal hospital that whole time. 

Dear This Week: you suck.

• My step-mom's cancer is back again with a really scary prognosis


• Our house closing was delayed again. And again. The move we had scheduled is not going to happen.


• Brandon Roy is retiring??

Your mom, This Week. YOUR MOM.