Did I mention that I stayed in a PYRAMID?

 Photo by me, from chaise lounge, one hand on mimosa

I wouldn't necessarily recommend going to Vegas in the middle of a really stressful time with your husband.

I wouldn't necessarily not recommend it, either. That is, as long as you are surrounded by your hilarious, no-nonsense friends who help you understand that getting gussied and letting handsome British men buy you drinks is totally awesome and acceptable... and then make sure you get your drunk ass back in bed next to your sister.

Las Vegas is a terrible and wonderful place and I had a great time.

That is all I will say about that.

Conversations at our house, Springtime edition

I'm all about Beautimuse this week (this is her header). I hope Diana Murphy isn't mad. 

Yes, D$ and I have had a tough few weeks, but there have also been times when things felt normal. Lest you think our home is a sad-sack factory, I give you this (from the day after a particularly difficult conversation):

MWK: The cherry blossoms on X street are gorgeous today! Attaches photo with new fancy smart phone. 

D$: You are my cherry blossom on X street. 

MWK: Um...thanks?

D$: You are welcome my little tulip.

MWK: Now I am just confused about my flower identity.

D$: Like the stargazer lily that blossoms in the sun, you seem to be having an existential crisis. 

D$: Do not despair. I shall love you floral time. 

Groan. 

The Boulevard Cypress

Image: Greens of Summer 2 by Diana Murphy via her blog Beautimuse (also check out Swoond)

Years ago my mother bought four 12-inch Boulevard Cypress trees and planted them in the side garden. Now they stretch 15 feet high, reaching out towards the grapes and blueberry bushes and shading the arbor where the hammock swings in summertime. The trees are tall and spindly and their rich green needles are shockingly soft on top where they meet the sun. Underneath, though, the branches are skeletal - rickety and clumped with dead,wet, brown needles.

The Saturday after D$ and I's biggest fight I spent three hours pruning the Cypress. I delicately separated the dead needles from bright green new growth. I lopped off entire branches at the trunk. As I pruned,* I thought. These needles and  branches I was clearing away had once been helpful to the Cypress. They were a part of its history; had formed and fed the Cypress as it made its way up to the sun. Now they are unneeded, hangers-on that marred its beauty and, most importantly, used up energy that could be used to move up, on, out towards the light. When I was done the Cypress stood proudly, slightly more naked but much more beautiful.

What D$ and I have been dealing with -  the old emotions and defenses - are like these brown needles. They are a part of our history and in the past perhaps they were useful. Perhaps they helped us protect our fledgling identities or shielded us from old dangers. Now, however, they are not needed. They are holding us down and using up energy that could be used to bring us closer to light.

The last several weeks have shown me just what my dead branches consist of: anger. Vehement, nonsensical anger.  I get frighteningly angry at the drop of a hat and viciously take that anger out on those I love most.

It has to stop. I don't know if I can do it all by myself but I do know that I cannot make it D$'s responsibility to help me. He has been on the wrong side of the broom** one too many times and, rightly, needs me to figure this out on my own. So for basically the first time in my life, I am going to start counseling.***

*My mom called it "poodling" and I sang a nonsense song about tree-poodling almost the whole time I worked. No one said serious thoughts couldn't be accompanied by made-up songs. 
**No I never hit anyone with a broom. If you can name the song you win. 
***I haven't started yet, but I will. I am trying to find a counselor but sort of don't know how to do that. Am I just supposed to pick from my insurance companies list and hope are good? Terrifying. If anyone in the Portland area has a referral I am all ears. 

Update from the Field

Hi.

I am so sorry to write such a dramatic post and then leave you  hanging.

D$ and I are doing okay. Last week was really hard. There were more fights and tears but at least SOME of it was productive. I have posts brewing in my head about it. I wasn't able to write because we were busy figuring shit out...

...and then I went to Los Angeles and Las Vegas for 5 days for my sister's 30th birthday. My sister is now here to visit me for her Spring Break, which also means no-can-blog for another few days but I have so much to tell you and will be be back soon.

Love love love (and roulette),

MWK

Intimate Marital Sharing Post

So...things are a little shitty between D$ and I right now.

I've been noticing for weeks that something was off. We got in a huge fight about a  month and a half ago that was never really resolved, mostly because we feel fundamentally different about the event that started and the underlying behavioral pattern. Basically: we went to an engagement party where I apparently swore a lot in front of people we'd just met. These people thought I was funny and charming and were not in the least annoyed (I don't just swear if I think it will offend people). Apparently D was mortified and basically gave me an ultimatum a few days later about swearing in front of his friends. He has mentioned before that he thinks I swear too much and he feels like those mentions were akin to requests to stop swearing that I ignored. I really never thought he could possibly be serious because I fundamentally disagree that a) my swearing is a problem, b) that I am a reflection of him that he gets to order around. I have also always, always had a filthy mouth. When we got in the fight I felt like there was this aspect of me that he used to find charming that he now finds abhorrent, which felt (excuse my language) shitty as hell. I felt nauseous that I would embarrass him but also annoyed that he would all of the sudden find fault with something that has always been a part of my personality. The fight basically ended with me saying yelling, "I'll stop swearing in front of your friends, but I think you are being an asshole." Real mature, I know.

So, like I said: never resolved. We moved on but D has been short-tempered and snappy. I have been over-sensitive to this and tried to avoid being snapped at...which means I have basically ignored him when we were home together, except to nag about something I wished he'd done. We got in a lot of stupid fights when we made an effort to carve out time to see each other.

A few nights ago as yet another evening ended in an argument (that we thankfully nipped in the bud before it became full blown), I made D come sit with me as I went to bed. I said that something was off and I thought we needed to talk. He was noncommittal - now wasn't the time to talk, no real acknowledgement that he felt anything was wrong. I asked to try and think if there was something I was doing that was bothering him, and he said no.

Then, last night, it all came down again. I'm not sure how it happened, but I made a comment that sent him off. We brought up the swearing fight again (bad idea) and the real issues were brought to light. I've been nursing this wound that my husband is embarrassed by me but D doesn't want to hear it because he thinks that he can't make any criticism of me without me becoming vehemently defensive and turning my behavior back onto him. This, apparently, is a long-standing problem of D's (and mine, I suppose). We fought until we left the house to go on a walk (which makes my head want to explode with anger) and then went to sleep. We did cuddle, at least, but nothing was resolved and we both feel like shit today.

We are stuck. I don't want to be defensive as a knee-jerk reaction but I also don't want to take all the blame for issues in our relationship. I want to show that I can listen to him, take criticism, and make changes but I also don't want to sit down and be read a laundry list of my faults without the chance to speak up for myself. That is just really not how I roll. (He is not wrong that I am very defensive).

I also want to be able to talk about this and honestly agree that I need and will work on listening and changing faults, and then *poof!* have me be great again in his eyes. Unfortunately I know that he will need a lot of time to feel that he can bring things up to me and have me listen. My gut reaction to this is: a) fuck, I want this to be solved and b) crap, does this mean that things will be bad for even longer and c) what? does this mean that every time we have a fight I can't defend my position or feelings without it causing him to solidify his opinion that I refuse to admit fault? How do I get out of this without totally losing all power to speak up for myself in disagreements or to defend my feelings over whatever he thinks is fact? I know there are times when he has legitimate complaints, but what about if the complaints aren't legitimate? I don't want to be backed into a corner by his (angry and therefore maybe exaggerated) conception of my response to criticism.

Blech. This sucks. I want a lot of things right now. In the short term: not to have to go volunteer in a few hours. Not to have to meet some girlfriends for happy hour. I want D to come home and I want to work some of this out before we go work in my parents' yard all day tomorrow.

Bone: picked

The meeting went pretty well. I was dead exhausted when I got to work so I pumped myself up by listening to Irish pop punk* (primarily this song).**

My hands were shaking during the whole meeting and I relied upon a ridiculous page of notes in order to ensure I completely said my piece, but I did  say my piece. I said it without being aggressive or mean, and I communicated that I also cared about Young Guy's needs. For his part,  Young Guy was very receptive. He hadn't realized that I was frustrated, which at least tells me that I wasn't being as aggressive and negative as I felt (this is a good thing). I felt heard and acknowledged and we figured out how to ensure that our discussions meet both of our needs in the future. Work went really well the rest of the day and I'm hoping that we're over the hump.

Whew.


Now I am off to Seattle to visit two of my very best lady friends on the planet. I am so, so ready for some female energy I might explode with joy.



 In fact, I gotta run: off to pack my cutest outfits*** and hit the road.

Me, snorkeling on our honeymoon and waving you goodbye as I head off for Sea-town

*What can I say? It was St. Paddy's day and I love a good theme.
**I forgot to note in my last post that we start work at 7 am so a 8 am meeting was not a cruel tactic on my part.
***Last night I asked D: What are some of my cutest outfits? I want to bring cute clothes. D's response (in a wrangled voice): I don't know! I can't think of these things on the fly! 

Step Right Up

"Test your Strength" by Ben Shahn, via the Library of Congress

I set up an 8 a.m. meeting with Young Guy tomorrow to talk about group expectations.

I'm scared, but am trying to feel strong and assertive.

Here's hoping I'll hit that mallet right out of the park.