Tuesday, June 22, 2010

When I'm 82 (Hopefully. Sort of.)

Being home means being back around my grandparents,* which is both good and bad. Good because I love them and am happy to get to see them regularly. Bad because this means that my grandma won't send me any more packages with cookies and holiday socks, and because I have to come to terms with the fact that my grandpa is a pain in the ass who sits in his armchair ALL DAY LONG and watches Fox News and thinks that Sarah Palin is awesome.

My grandma came over for dinner last night (my grandpa, as expected, stayed home) and we had a totally awkward but still fairly awesome conversation. Before I tell you what we said, I think you need some background, here: my grandparents are pretty open about sex. As in, my Grandma gives my Grandpa a Playboy Calender for his shop every Christmas, and the whole family passes it around and makes comments.** Consider yourself warned.

So, as my Grandma was leaving I reminded her that I have Fridays off (I work four ten-hour days) so I could come see her some Friday soon. My grandma responded strongly, "Friday morning." Confused, I said, "Oh, yea, right! Okay."

Grandma: "Friday is 'Date Night.' "

Me (smiling awkwardly but pretending that this is totally normal): "Well I won't come over Friday then!"

Grandma: "Yea, we discourage it."

Me: "What, discourage people from coming over?"

Grandma: "Yep."

Me (too loud): "Cool..."

Grandma (sensing that I am totally weirded out by this conversation): "Well, doesn't it at least give you hope that we still have..."

Me (desperately trying to figure out how to end that sentence): "...DATE NIGHT?"

Grandma: "Well, actually it is more like Date Afternoon...but yes."

Me (too boisterously, to hid my embarrassment, but also honestly): "Heck Yea!"


So there you have it. My grandparents (my grandpa is in his mid-80s, people) have sexy-time "Date Afternoon" every Friday and my Grandma ain't afraid to tell you about it. And as awkward as that conversation made me feel, I think that is totally fucking awesome.

There is a lot about my grandparent's*** marriage that I find problematic and would not want to replicate. I have even found myself wondering if my Grandma was happy in her marriage. Yesterday's conversation just goes to show you that we never know what is happening in other people's relationships (and should probably keep our opinions to ourselves).

I might not want to have a marriage like my grandparent's marriage, but Date Afternoon when I'm in my mid-80s? I definitely hope that is us someday.

*Not my mom's parents. My dad's parents.
**I never said my family was classy. Hopefully you have found out through my excessive use of the F-word that we are not a classy people.
***Where the F does the apostrophe go here? Granparent's? Grandparents'? Where is my damn grammar book?


  1. Awe.some. I'm probably too liberal when I talk about sex, even now. When my vanity and reputation are no longer important, I don't know if people will want to be around me. Your G-ma sounds like a dish.

  2. I think it should be grandparents', but Cate Subrosa is the expert. :)

    And FUCK YEAH, I wanna be having some afternoon sexy time when I'm in my 80's. I mean, hellooooooo? How incredibly awesome is that?! (Although, yes, horribly awkward conversation to have with Grandma, no matter how liberal you both may be.)

    Your whole family sound hilarious. I think it would be a hoot to be a fly on the wall at a family get-together.

    And yes. It's downright impossible to understand relationships looking from the outside in sometimes. I try just to take whatever good things I can learn, and leave the rest the hell alone.

    This makes me think maybe I should talk about sex more. Not as in blog about my sex life in detail, because, you know, BOUNDARIES. But with friends, maybe. I have one friend where there is no such thing as TMI, but in general people can be such prudes. Why? It's natural and great and keeps you healthy. Hmmm... food for thought.

  3. That is the best grandparent conversation EVER. I love it.

  4. That is adorable. I want to be them when I'm old.

    And I think it's grandparents' if it's both of them. But I was a science major.

  5. Way to go Nana!

    This was very well-written and I can only imagine the awkwardness and unsuccessful attempts to end the conversation. Hiliarious!

  6. Totally fucking awesome indeed.

    And agirl was right about the apostrophe :)

  7. ok, i just laughed out loud at work. this is totally awesome. i hope i can have sexytime date afternoons when i'm in my 80s.