Monday, April 25, 2011

Did I mention that I stayed in a PYRAMID?

 Photo by me, from chaise lounge, one hand on mimosa

I wouldn't necessarily recommend going to Vegas in the middle of a really stressful time with your husband.

I wouldn't necessarily not recommend it, either. That is, as long as you are surrounded by your hilarious, no-nonsense friends who help you understand that getting gussied and letting handsome British men buy you drinks is totally awesome and acceptable... and then make sure you get your drunk ass back in bed next to your sister.

Las Vegas is a terrible and wonderful place and I had a great time.

That is all I will say about that.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Conversations at our house, Springtime edition

I'm all about Beautimuse this week (this is her header). I hope Diana Murphy isn't mad. 

Yes, D$ and I have had a tough few weeks, but there have also been times when things felt normal. Lest you think our home is a sad-sack factory, I give you this (from the day after a particularly difficult conversation):

MWK: The cherry blossoms on X street are gorgeous today! Attaches photo with new fancy smart phone. 

D$: You are my cherry blossom on X street. 

MWK: Um...thanks?

D$: You are welcome my little tulip.

MWK: Now I am just confused about my flower identity.

D$: Like the stargazer lily that blossoms in the sun, you seem to be having an existential crisis. 

D$: Do not despair. I shall love you floral time. 


Monday, April 18, 2011

The Boulevard Cypress

Image: Greens of Summer 2 by Diana Murphy via her blog Beautimuse (also check out Swoond)

Years ago my mother bought four 12-inch Boulevard Cypress trees and planted them in the side garden. Now they stretch 15 feet high, reaching out towards the grapes and blueberry bushes and shading the arbor where the hammock swings in summertime. The trees are tall and spindly and their rich green needles are shockingly soft on top where they meet the sun. Underneath, though, the branches are skeletal - rickety and clumped with dead,wet, brown needles.

The Saturday after D$ and I's biggest fight I spent three hours pruning the Cypress. I delicately separated the dead needles from bright green new growth. I lopped off entire branches at the trunk. As I pruned,* I thought. These needles and  branches I was clearing away had once been helpful to the Cypress. They were a part of its history; had formed and fed the Cypress as it made its way up to the sun. Now they are unneeded, hangers-on that marred its beauty and, most importantly, used up energy that could be used to move up, on, out towards the light. When I was done the Cypress stood proudly, slightly more naked but much more beautiful.

What D$ and I have been dealing with -  the old emotions and defenses - are like these brown needles. They are a part of our history and in the past perhaps they were useful. Perhaps they helped us protect our fledgling identities or shielded us from old dangers. Now, however, they are not needed. They are holding us down and using up energy that could be used to bring us closer to light.

The last several weeks have shown me just what my dead branches consist of: anger. Vehement, nonsensical anger.  I get frighteningly angry at the drop of a hat and viciously take that anger out on those I love most.

It has to stop. I don't know if I can do it all by myself but I do know that I cannot make it D$'s responsibility to help me. He has been on the wrong side of the broom** one too many times and, rightly, needs me to figure this out on my own. So for basically the first time in my life, I am going to start counseling.***

*My mom called it "poodling" and I sang a nonsense song about tree-poodling almost the whole time I worked. No one said serious thoughts couldn't be accompanied by made-up songs. 
**No I never hit anyone with a broom. If you can name the song you win. 
***I haven't started yet, but I will. I am trying to find a counselor but sort of don't know how to do that. Am I just supposed to pick from my insurance companies list and hope are good? Terrifying. If anyone in the Portland area has a referral I am all ears. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Update from the Field


I am so sorry to write such a dramatic post and then leave you  hanging.

D$ and I are doing okay. Last week was really hard. There were more fights and tears but at least SOME of it was productive. I have posts brewing in my head about it. I wasn't able to write because we were busy figuring shit out...

...and then I went to Los Angeles and Las Vegas for 5 days for my sister's 30th birthday. My sister is now here to visit me for her Spring Break, which also means no-can-blog for another few days but I have so much to tell you and will be be back soon.

Love love love (and roulette),