Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"So how is being married? Is it different?"

I've been asked this many many times since the wedding, and my response is normally something like, "Oh well, you know, it's great! Not really that different, blah blah blah." To be honest, I never really know how to answer, because:

1) This is one of the those questions that people don't really want the answer to. Like if someone asks how you are and you say "Fine" because it would be weird if you said "Ugh, I have had the farts all day like you wouldn't believe." Even if married life was terrible (and it totally isn't) it would be super awkward if I said that.

2) The people who ask seem to expect me to say it isn't that different; they make a face like that is what they expect me to say and it is easy to comply. I do feel different, more stable and quietly happy and rooted in a way that I didn't expect, but I'm not going to tell that to my old co-worker on the bus.

3) To be honest, up until a week ago, after the honeymoon ended and our normal lives commenced again, it didn't seem all that different (aforementioned feelings excluded).

Up until a week ago.

About two weeks ago I got in a huge fight with some close family members. The biggest in years...we're talking angry letters (in the mail! With stamps!) huge gaping emotional wounds being opened, etc. Normally this would have broken me for days but this time I felt much calmer than normal. Not that was I wasn't upset, I definitely was. I didn't even realize what kept me so calm until after the fact, but then someone asked me that stupid question and I went, Aha! It felt different to be going through it with my husband. It wasn't that D did anything any differently than he would have done two months ago (in fact he was barely involved in the whole thing) but for some reason the knowledge that he was there on my side made the whole thing easier. I guess it felt like, hey, I am making my own family now, and that made the ordeal with my parents and siblings all that much easier.

Figuring this out made me really happy but it also sort of weirded me out. It gave me a good answer to the question, for one thing. What is weird is that I would never EVER argue that marriage is the key to anything, much less stability or emotional balance, but it does seem to have increased both of those things in me.

That is all the analysis I have right now. Yes, it is different. But I am still figuring how and why, and I am damn sure that the "difference" marriage makes is different for everyone (and not something that marriage has a patent on, to be sure).


  1. "I do feel different, more stable and quietly happy and rooted in a way that I didn't expect."

    that is so interesting that you say this because these were my thoughts after the first few weeks of marriage. i didn't expect to feel any different. i didn't want to put expectations on myself nor did i want the relationship to change. but i did feel different, internally. i find it particularly interesting that you used the word rooted because whenever my friends asked me that question, that is the word i kept coming to, rooted. and i felt so strongly, it was like a physical sensation. i also felt insanely happy and my confidence boosted.

    it was really nice to hear someone else having a similar experience. :)

  2. @jehara - It IS nice to hear someone have a similar experience. I'm very glad you found the blog, and hope you keep reading (despite all the typos I noticed as I went back and read posts that you commented on, oops).