Monday, April 18, 2011

The Boulevard Cypress

Image: Greens of Summer 2 by Diana Murphy via her blog Beautimuse (also check out Swoond)

Years ago my mother bought four 12-inch Boulevard Cypress trees and planted them in the side garden. Now they stretch 15 feet high, reaching out towards the grapes and blueberry bushes and shading the arbor where the hammock swings in summertime. The trees are tall and spindly and their rich green needles are shockingly soft on top where they meet the sun. Underneath, though, the branches are skeletal - rickety and clumped with dead,wet, brown needles.

The Saturday after D$ and I's biggest fight I spent three hours pruning the Cypress. I delicately separated the dead needles from bright green new growth. I lopped off entire branches at the trunk. As I pruned,* I thought. These needles and  branches I was clearing away had once been helpful to the Cypress. They were a part of its history; had formed and fed the Cypress as it made its way up to the sun. Now they are unneeded, hangers-on that marred its beauty and, most importantly, used up energy that could be used to move up, on, out towards the light. When I was done the Cypress stood proudly, slightly more naked but much more beautiful.

What D$ and I have been dealing with -  the old emotions and defenses - are like these brown needles. They are a part of our history and in the past perhaps they were useful. Perhaps they helped us protect our fledgling identities or shielded us from old dangers. Now, however, they are not needed. They are holding us down and using up energy that could be used to bring us closer to light.

The last several weeks have shown me just what my dead branches consist of: anger. Vehement, nonsensical anger.  I get frighteningly angry at the drop of a hat and viciously take that anger out on those I love most.

It has to stop. I don't know if I can do it all by myself but I do know that I cannot make it D$'s responsibility to help me. He has been on the wrong side of the broom** one too many times and, rightly, needs me to figure this out on my own. So for basically the first time in my life, I am going to start counseling.***

*My mom called it "poodling" and I sang a nonsense song about tree-poodling almost the whole time I worked. No one said serious thoughts couldn't be accompanied by made-up songs. 
**No I never hit anyone with a broom. If you can name the song you win. 
***I haven't started yet, but I will. I am trying to find a counselor but sort of don't know how to do that. Am I just supposed to pick from my insurance companies list and hope are good? Terrifying. If anyone in the Portland area has a referral I am all ears. 

9 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I thought I would hate counseling. I mean, HATE. And kind of did, at first, because it was so uncomfortable. I mean, I freaking googled names of counselors in the area and ended up going to the one that "sounded right," which is hardly the responsible way to do it, but it worked out for me.

    And things have been going well, I guess. Still terrifying as all get out, but she has been working with me on healing, so we can tackle the bigger things, I guess.

    So, go you. Be brave and be honest - sounds like you are doing the right thing.

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  3. What a perfect metaphor. Again - you have a sound head on your shoulders and you're moving in the right direction. You can't beat that for progress...

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  4. You are so deep.

    So I also contemplated counseling this year... I didn't end up doing it (too scared, not enough time, lots of excuses). But I did learn that friends with counselors are happy to share their "leads".

    But either way - I think that once you recognize a desire to change a behavior, you are probably a million times closer to changing it than you were before. And as tough as things get with D$, you two got married for a reason. One reason is to be there for each other and help each other through tough times. So even though you are right - it can't be his responsibility to figure it out for you - you should still depend on him to HELP you figure it out. He seems pretty cool. I bet he is mostly on your side.

    And another thing - while it is never an excuse for acting out against your loved ones (I have to tell myself that too) - keep in mind that you've had a shitload of Tough Things and Life Changes in the past year. Give yourself some credit - I find that major life changes seem minor until my inner monster FREAKS OUT.

    Good luck, lady. You are a strong, brave woman and you always will be one of my favorites!

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  5. MWK - good for you.

    The Mr. and I have had a hell of a ride and I have found counseling to be a really valuable investment of my time and emotional energy. Finding the right fit with a counselor does take time - I found two duds before a really good, unexpected fit. I though I wanted a female counselor and ended up with a male, observant Jewish JD/PhD who reminds me of the mitzvahs in my life...and I'm Catholic ;).

    Also, this: "What D$ and I have been dealing with - the old emotions and defenses - are like these brown needles. They are a part of our history and in the past perhaps they were useful. Perhaps they helped us protect our fledgling identities or shielded us from old dangers. Now, however, they are not needed. They are holding us down and using up energy that could be used to bring us closer to light."

    That is some kick-a** writing, my friend. Bravo.

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  6. I have been to counseling in the past and have found it so helpful. I am actually at a crossroads and have been contemplating going back. Best of luck.

    P.S. I really loved the writing in this post.

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  7. @everyone: phew, thanks. Really. Tomorrow I call some therapists. I will probably use Blind Irish Pirate's highly technical googling method cause I have no therapist friends and am not sure if I have friends in therapy (apparently northwesterners just go hiking or somethiing).

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  8. Whoops! Just read back and realised I'd posted the Boy's name in that comment. I'm such a dolt. And so bad at this anonymous thing. Sigh.

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  9. Ooh, that is one good metaphor.

    I hope you've found someone and it's going well. If not, I hope so soon!

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