Friday, June 10, 2011


I had my first therapy session a few hours ago.

It was...awkward? Anxiety-ridden, but also not. To be totally honest, it felt like going on a speed date with Carl Jung.

I wasn't nervous beforehand (except I found myself wondering "what does one wear to therapy?"). I wasn't nervous as I walked up, but the minute I entered the room I felt jittery. Hyper aware of myself - the sound of my voice, my posture, how I was responding to questions, etc. I found myself trying to please the therapist and then immediately trying to squelch that impulse. I felt myself working to be honest and not default to my normal routine of projecting a "charming and funny young woman with her shit together" while simultaneously trying not to over state an issue just justify being in therapy.

I thought it was going to be more of a "get to know you" but man if we didn't just jump right into some topics. Ask me a question and I will give you a response, even if that response seems like a weird thing to say to a stranger. She asked a lot of questions (mostly about my family and why I was there) and I sort of felt scatterbrained as I jumped from topic to topic. I walked away feeling a little windswept but mostly positive, like, "Hey, okay, that wasn't so hard."

But now it's an hour later and I feel really raw. My eyes feel like I've been crying, or am about to cry. I want to take a nap. I want D$ to come home and snuggle me for approximately seven hours. I want to cry and maybe laugh at the same time.

Jesus. What am I going to do when we actually start talking about things? 


  1. I started therapy with the excuse that I just need it for my training. I've always been the 'normal' one among my friends, the calm, together one, the one without any major issues (although, to be fair, I knew I had some issues, but who doesn't, and I thought they weren't 'major'). Ha! It didn't take long for me to realise that denial is a very powerful defense mechanism, and one I was using expertly. Among others.

    I struggled with therapy a lot at the very start, and found it really hard in ways that were difficult to articulate most of the time. I still do, of course, but I also really love it and the opportunity it's providing me now. Good luck with it, my dear. I hope it goes swimmingly for you, and you find what it is you are seeking..

    I'm interested that you've written about it. I've found that my words for writing with have pretty much dried up since I started. Like they're all being used up there. And I've tended to take how I feel about therapy back to therapy. But I'm very interested to hear how you find it, if you do keep writing about it.

  2. I'd be really interested to hear how it's going if you feel like writing about it too.

    Be patient, I'm sure it'll take time to completely be yourself in this relationship just like it does in any other.