Staying Still

Holliday-Cary House, N. College St., Auburn, Lee County, Alabama

1939

Frances Benjamin Johnston, via Library of Congress "Carnegie Architecture of the South." 

This morning when I heard the soothing NPR broadcaster tell me that today was May 17th, a light went off in my brain. May 17th...why is that date ringing a bell? Why is it important?

Looking through my old calenders didn't tell me much about why I would remember May 17th but it was revealing in other ways.

May 17th, 2009, was the day I arrived in Portland* to start an internship, live with my parents, be away from D$ for a few months and start the nitty gritty planning for my upcoming wedding.

May 17th, 2010, was the day after I graduated from my Masters Program and the day before we picked up the Budget Truck to fill with our belongings and drive across the country to a new life.

Suffice it to say, the last few Mays have been big transitions. It's almost odd that this May is so normal. I feel like, well, the weather is changing drastically, why isn't my life? At least that was my first thought.

Then I realized that we are already planning for more transitions. We have been talking about buying a house. We have tentative baby plans (not soon so just calm down over there). Sunday we went to Open Houses and we talked about meeting with a lender, "just in case." Home-buying felt like it was on the horizon.

Now I think maybe we aren't ready. Maybe we should wait. Maybe we should take time to appreciate the fact that we aren't  in a transition right now. I want to make sure that D and I are living in the present instead of rushing forward to the future. I want us to enjoy the summer - go away on weekends, stay in on weekends, sleep late, drink wine at 2 pm, enjoy each other and our life - before we leap ahead to the next thing.

The thing is...can I stay still for a while?


*Having flown into Seattle the night before, so it can't be that I remember it because I flew that day

Springtime in Oregon

This weekend was very, very good. 

On Saturday we went on a hike in the Columbia Gorge with other alumni from our college.* We drove to the Gorge with a couple who graduated in the early 70's. They met at our college and have been married ever since. They lived in the Twin Cities for 12 years, then in Wisconsin, and just moved out to Oregon to be nearer their daughter and grandchildren. Seeing how happy and healthy and awesome they were made D$ and I feel a little squishy and giddy inside and very much in luuuuv. 

Also, don't we live in a fucking gorgeous place? These photos were taken about about 30 minutes from my doorstep (well, 30 minutes plus the hours to hike around). All photos by D$, who gets shutter happy around any form of nature (including small "wild" animals). 

**D$, emailing me to ask if we could go on the hike: "Can we do this? I want to go chasing waterfalls." Yes, he was referencing the TLC song. 

Partial Victories

Things I got done this evening (from the list I scratched on a piece of junk mail right next to last night's to-do list):

• Made myself something to eat*
• Walked to the bank (in flip-flops!)
• Emptied and re-filled the dishwasher
• Made lunches for tomorrow
• Shaved my bikini line** (tmi??)
• Caught up on blog-reading while whitening my teeth
• Finally started reading nerdy book about Thrones, Games of (this will happen in approximately five minutes)

Things I did not get done:

• Writing a pithy, hilarious and thought-provoking blog post 

Seven out of 8 ain't bad, right?

Right?

*Okay, so it was a peanut butter and honey sandwich. So what? It was DELICIOUS.

**I'm budgeting out the waxing these days because I want to buy work shoes and I'm out of my fancy shampoo and hair goop. Price of beauty, I tell ya. 

Returning

Things are on the up and up around here, with only a few detours sideways or backwards.

The night before I left for Vegas we had another big fight, but this one ended better (hint: with both of us in the same bed). In the morning we were fragile but friendly again.

Since I got back we've been different. Better. D$ brought me a sandwich when he picked me up from the airport from Vegas. (This is a tradition between us and I really should expect it but it makes me gloriously happy every time. You can get flowers if you want, but goddamn if I don't like getting a sandwich from a handsome man when I step off an airplane). On the way home I could tell that he had missed me - like really missed me - despite the fact that he'd been boozing it up with his best friend while I'd been gone. This was a relief, because my biggest fear this whole time was that I'd drive him away. I'd missed him too, despite any evidence to the contrary.

Since then we've been talking (quietly, for the most part).  We've been considering. Considering each other, considering our actions, considering how we affect each other (and also considering what we will eat next but that last one is par for the course for us). D$ has been crazy affectionate and I have crazy-loved it. We've had one biggish fight but it ended in talking things out that same night (a new thing for us). I have been working really hard to be pleasant and present when I'm home* and so far it seems to be working.

We still have a lot of work to do of course. I can't seem to find a damn psychologist who works on Fridays and have gotten tired of using all of my breaks from work walking around outside trying to avoid a coworker hearing me make phone calls about seeing a therapist, so I still haven't seen anyone. I'll take another totally-subjective look at the list provided by my insurance later this week and try again.


So. Up and Up. Shedding dead needles and moving towards the sun.**



Oh! I also pick up my Nightguard on Thursday (only 6 months later). Fie on you, jaw pain!




*Sadly, this is one reason that I haven't been around here much - it is hard to be pleasant and present in the two hours I have between work and bed and get any writing done. This balance still needs to be struck because I don't want to abandon the blog and I just lost another follower! Grrr. **As in: sun, if you don't come out I am going to lose my goddamn mind. Spring! I need you!