I would like to make this very clear

To my friends who do not read this blog (because you don't know about it),

I would like to make something clear to you. I am a very busy person right now. Weekends are the busiest. On any given weekend I have to do homework, clean my apartment, go grocery shopping, handle piles of laundry, and apply for several jobs. Despite this, I will gladly carve out time to see you.

However, can we be straight about some things?

1) Please respect my time. If we make an agreement to meet at 1, don't text me at 11:30 and say "Actually I wanted to go to a class at the YWCA at 12:30 so I won't be ready until 2:15." Particularly don't do this when we were planning on doing something at 3:00 that we will no longer be able to do because of your gym class.

If we make plans to hang out on a Saturday night, do not say you will call me around dinner time with more details and then not call until 10:30 p.m. I am waiting around for you instead of doing homework or something productive, and it makes me mad. This brings me to...

2) I do not go to fancy clubs downtown. I do not pay an $8 cover just so I can drink $10 drinks and try to avoid grinding with a man in an Ed Hardy t-shirt. This is not because I am married and have suddenly become boring. I never did that. So when you call me and say "let's hang out" and then make it clear that you already have plans to go downtown to clubs and expect me to come along, I am sorta bummed out. When and if I come along (like tonight, whenever the hell you get ready go GO), it is because I feel bad that I never go out with you, even though the reason I never go out with you is because I hate where you go out and I honestly can't afford it.

I do not like telling you that I am poor and need to go to bed early so I can get up and be productive. I do not like being a stick in the mud. So I will go out with you to fancy clubs if that is what you want. But for the love of God be on time. And come to a fucking dive bar every once in a while.

Today

Dear Universe,

Today, D$ has a second interview for the paid internship that is really important to him. And to me.

Today, my step-dad is meeting with a old client in what the whole family hopes will be a discussion about a job offer.

Universe, I know that terrible and wonderful things much bigger than my family happen every day. I know that in the larger global context, asking for jobs for two (relatively privileged) white dudes is selfish and short-minded.

But Universe, please. Please help both of these things go well. They deserve it.

MWK

The Nest Strikes Again

All right, Nest Magazine.

Remember how I told you to leave me alone?

Well, you clearly haven't been listening, because your glossy ass showed up in my mailbox again this week. For someone who gives relationship advice, you could stand to work on your listening skills.

But, okay, Nest Magazine. Since I'm trying to have a better attitude and all, I figured I'd give you another shot. Not assume the worst, see what happens. And to be fair, you weren't as vomit-inducing as last time. I can always use a good roast chicken recipe, and no, I didn't know how to pick out a perfect pomegranate. That may have something to do with the fact that I don't really eat pomegranates, but whatever.

However, Nest Magazine, there was one thing I found to be particularly stupid. And that was your article on how to "Justify Having More Sex." And no, it wasn't just the poor-man's-Andy-Warhol-Banana illustration, although that was dumb. I know that subtly and originality aren't your skills, so I'm willing to let that slide.

Nor was it the "scientific" facts about how sex is good for me, even though...duh.

No, Nest Magazine, it was the entire gist of the article. I'm sorry, but have you really ever needed a reason to justify having more sex, Nest Magazine? Cause I certainly haven't.

Nope, I can't think of one single time when I thought to myself, "Boy, I could really use some sex right now. Yep, suuuure wish I could have me some sex. But I just can't think of a good enough reason."

Nest Magazine, clearly your priorities are all out of whack. Please work on this.

XO,

MWK

Ghosts of Awkward Selves Past

I was just looking through some old emails, and came across this hilarious little gem between D$ and I.

As background: this is from October 2005. I had just arrived in West Africa where I was to remain for 8-9 months. D$ and I had been dating for less than a year and had decided to be in an "open" relationship while I was gone, but he was coming to visit me for two weeks. Since arriving, I had been telling my host family and most friends that D$ was my fiance so it would be slightly less scandalous when he came to stay with me, and I sported a fake engagement band for most of the trip (until I lost it in the ocean. When I may or may not have been swimming with a person-of-sort-of-romantic-interest). I have NO idea what I am referring to here, but probably something that was said in the weekly 20-minute phone call that constituted all of our non e-mail interaction.

With no further ado, an awkward exerpt of an old email to my now-husband (I was typing on a French keyboard, so forgive the typos, please):

Hey, i'm sorry for teasing you about the ring/engagement thing. Its a weird think to joke about, or at least I think so, so i find myself not really sure what to say. But i dont want you to think that i was being negative for reals, or discouraging or whatever, or too encouraging or any of the above. its just not something I know how to joke about very well, and i dont want to send weird messages. just that i love you tons and plan on doing so for a long time, regardless of jewelry or real/fake engagements.

Heh. I can't believe we were making engagement jokes back then, even though we were fake-engaged for the purposes of seemliness. And I am completely entertained, and sort of horrified, by what a wishy-washy boob I was being. It reminds me of the years after we had moved in together but before we got engaged, when any conversation about the future was hedged in awkward disclaimers.

Dear The Nest Magazine: Newsletter Edition

Dear The Nest Newsletter:

Did you REALLY just send me an e-mail (to my junk e-mail address, I am not stupid enough to let you have my real e-mail address) titled "Are you in a Sex Rut?"

Really?

Are you really going to go with that stereotype-laden email to your newlywed populous you heinous monsters?

For the record, Nest Magazine, my sex life is just fine. But thanks for putting the possibility that it isn't fine into the minds of all the poor saps that think your magazine is important. By titling your e-mail that all you are doing is buying into the stereotype that once people get married their sex lives shrivel. What is wrong with you, Nest Magazine? If I open that Newsletter, will I get a Cosmo-style tip to put a scrunchy somewhere naughty to "spice things up?" Who even wears scrunchies anymore?

Ugh. UNSUBSCRIBE.

XO,
MWK

Dear The Nest Magazine:

What the F, how did you find me?

I mean, I know how you found me - I never should have signed up for your stupid Knot website and your hive-inducing to-do lists.

But WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE? I didn't ask you to come here. In my 16 months of being engaged I never once bought a wedding magazine and I damn sure don't want a magazine that tells me how to act like a married person. The idea of "dating another couple" makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs* and I don't need you to make me feel depressed about my white-walled and beige-carpeted apartment because it is all I can afford. I don't live in a damn bungalow and my only dinner dilemmas are a) what is D making and how soon will be be done or b) should I make my quesadilla in the microwave or on the stove.

So: get. out. I do not want you here! So far I have been able to avoid looking past your cover, but I fear that if you stay any longer I may acquiesce.

* More on this later.

Dear Universe,

You know that dream job? The one that D$ told me he wanted years ago and is actually open now exactly at the right time for him to apply for it? The dream job that also happens to be in the city where we both want to move?

If you could arrange for him to get that job, I'd really appreciate it. Like, a lot.

XO,

MWK